ALL. THE. THINGS.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to remember a post or two discussing the cost of a wedding (and not just for the couple--the female bridal party is expected to spend an arm and a leg too). Having been to a few wedding expos, and reading more than my fair share of wedding blogs/forums/sites, I have been drowning in the "should's" and "trends" that pervade the internet. It's daunting to put it lightly.

Then, I read a post on Weddingbee, (yes, Miss Treasure, I ripped off your title too!) in which the bride-to-bee (pun intended) wrote about her planning experiences and how she is reacting to them,

"My problem with the WIC is that it simultaneously trivializes and exaggerates the act of getting married while barely addressing the subject of marriage at all. [bolding is mine]

The WIC turns the act of getting married into an overblown, theatrical event, minimizing the importance and gravity of the commitment that weddings represent. Have you ever read an article in a bridal magazine about how to maintain a good, loving relationship with your partner for decades to come? Me either. Instead, you get articles like “516 Ways to Wow Your Guests!” and “10 Surprising Beauty Foods: Eat Up Girls!” (These are real headlines from real bridal magazines I have in my apartment right now.) The WIC makes women (and their partners) feel that they have to spend all their money on the perfect dress/ring/shoes/hairstyle, or else they risk offending everyone. The WIC is what makes people look at you a little funny when you say you don’t have wedding colors or you might not do a bouquet/garter toss."

Of course I want the wedding to be wonderful. And I'm obviously not going against any of my personal aesthetic or beliefs to ensure it's "perfect," but it's hard to not be affected.  A LOT of people question my decision to not use flowers, and I had a mini existential crisis about it--I was on the verge of making/buying fake flowers for a while because of it. At the same time, we decided to not go with the photo booth, despite how POPULAR they are right now (and how much we like them) because we couldn't justify the expense to ourselves. You know my current favorite "must" from the WIC? That your dress must be "timeless and classic" so you're not embarrassed in 10, 15, 20 years when you look at your wedding photos. Now, mine probably meets those criteria, but not on purpose--I chose my dress because it was what I LIKED, it met my expectations and desires, and I looked great in it. When I look at my future sister-in-lawss wedding picture, do I sometimes smile because you can tell she got married 10 years ago? Absolutely (sorry Heidi!), but that doesn't mean she's not beautiful or that she regrets her decision (not that I know...). I simply mean that honestly, "timeless and classic" don't actually exist. It comes down to what the couple wants.

We strongly feel that the wedding needs to reflect US, regardless of what everyone else is or isn't supporting. Sure, compromises have been made, but that's part of the beauty of planning a wedding TOGETHER, with your partner.

"Being Gay is Expensive"

I am totally ripping off the title of the post that inspired me to write. Because it's true, and very few people, even within the LGBT community, know just how expensive it is. I'll admit that, while I knew it was more costly to be a married same-sex couple than a married hetero couple, I never really broke it down.

Us at her brother's wedding; personal photo

Christina laid it out in ways that I can only steal because I'm not married yet, and because, honestly, a lot of this stuff either goes over my head or puts me into a coma. There are 1,138 rights, protections and benefits that couples get when their marriage is recognized by the federal government. Some don't really affect us, like immigration issues. Some are a bit complicated however: if for some reason I had to go onto Ellie's medical plan, we would be lucky enough to pay the same rate as a hetero married couple because MA recognizes our marriage. When April 15 comes rolling around though, Ellie would have to pay federal taxes on the "extra income" she is receiving from her company for covering her "unmarried partner." Being the former HR person that I am, I'll try to explain it for you other non-math people (hypothetical numbers here):

Ellie's job pays $100/month towards the cost of a family plan. If she was on a single plan, they would only be paying $25/month. The "extra" $75/month her company is "giving" to her is taxable because it's not actually covering her married dependent, so the feds tax it.

Shitty, huh?  So, I'm on Ellie's insurance, but we're on vacation in Florida and I get attacked by a shark. Even if we've paid a lawyer thousands of dollars (to get it done right) to create, notarize and file paperwork allowing her to visit me & make decisions on my behalf, that hospital can deny her access and allow me to die alone.

If she ever convinces me that having a child is a good idea, we get into an even bigger set of drama--only one of us is biologically the mother. Sure, I can be added to the birth certificate since we are lucky enough to live in MA, but here comes that pesky DOMA conundrum again--other states don't have to recognize it! This means yet MORE money, time and hassle going through second-parent adoption, iron-clad wills. Christina said is very succinctly: It’s hard not to resent that a guy just has to have an orgasm to get full parental rights, and we get the legal and financial runaround." This is all on top of the cost to actually conceive the baby--no, Ellie's not going to "do it the traditional way"--even if she did, it would cost money to   work up the contracts with the bio-father, and we would always have a risk of him wanting the child, and getting it because we're gay.

About the only good thing DOMA is doing for us? My federal school loan payments are income-based, and since the feds won't consider us married, only my measly income is counted in the calculation of how much I have to pay. If we were married, both of our measly incomes would be counted, resulting in much higher payments.

I still think I'd take marriage equality.

"Good LORD That's a Lot of Money!"

Infographic of wedding costs from
Something Borrowed {Portland}

Yeah, that's about right. Oh, and look at that map just below the middle of the graphic--Boston is listed as one of "The Most Expensive Places to Get Hitched" at $35,483 (before the honeymoon). I don't think we'll go that high, but when EVERYTHING is added up: venue/food, gifts, attire, decor, DIY projects, etc, I wouldn't be surprised if it gets damn close. Appalling, isn't it?

I think that's the real reason Ellie and I aren't technically doing a budget. We know how much we're paying for things, and could add it all up if we needed to, but I read over and over again on forums and blogs how couples have to jump through hoops to stay within their budget, or feel crazy guilt about going over. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to set a budget (which honestly, we blew out of the water once we chose a venue), but Ellie was slightly adverse to the idea, preferring to have a general idea of what we could spend, but not setting anything in stone. I'm still very nervous about the cost of things to be honest, but we're cutting back in some places and going all out in the areas it's important (like programs!!).

It's another reason I'm glad we've had so long to do this--we've been able to do research, get the best price, and pay for things over time. We already have some of the supplies we'll need, and have plans to buy things over the next 8 months rather than dropping a ton of money in August.

The Moment My Dress Became THE Dress

Saturday, I had my second dress fitting. Back in November-ish Jere and I brought my dress to a local seamstress I'd read fantastic reviews of. Apparently she's some kind of dress magician :D Although I put the dress on, I didn't consider it a 'real' fitting because we were really just discussing the major alterations rather than the fit. When I went back this weekend however, I realized that it WAS a fitting, and remembered why I bought this dress.

I have to confess that, over the last few months, I was second and third & fourth guessing my decision. See, I made the number one mistake when it comes to buying your wedding dress--I kept looking at dresses. I've read more than a few blog and forum posts from girls that had done this very thing, to varying degrees of stress, from questioning if they'd made the correct decision to actually buying a 2nd dress. I had a vision of my dress, and the one I bought was VERY close, but not exact. Honestly, unless I had it custom-made, probably at great expense, my vision was impossible to achieve. What was my vision you ask? Essentially a combination of these:

from Alfred Angelo. This is the neckline &
embroidery inspiration

from Titanic.This is the shape
inspiration

The dress on the left is the one I found as I stupidly kept looking--it is the closest to my vision as I've ever found anywhere; but I already have a dress, and this one is only available in the UK. Since I bought my dress, my only visual reminders were dark cell phone pics of of it hanging limply and ill-fitting.

Then, on Saturday, I put my dress on again; after the sleeves had been taken off, and some of the hemming was complete, and the bodice had been taken in & up a bit. Is it my vision, suddenly come to life and staring me in the face? No, of course not. But I'm happy with it again. This IS the dress I'll be married in. Chris is totally getting my ideas and is able to predict some of them before I say anything, like opening the armholes and narrowing the skirt. I go back in March for another fitting, and that will hopefully be the last "working fitting" before I try on the finished product and take it home.

S*!t Brides Say

We've all been/known a bride, so you need to watch this, as it's full of hilarity and truth. I'm not ashamed to admit that I've totally said some of this--especially "pin it, pin it, pin it..." I'm not exactly a fan of The Knot (although I am a member), but this is something they have definitely done right. I'd love to see this become a mini-series or something: break down some of these stereotypes into their own videos or something. 

A Public Service Announcement

I just read this great post on the "A Practical Wedding" blog about RSVP's and what to do about being a couple days away from your "Respond by" date and not having the cards back.

I'll tell you what to do--make sure that one of the members of your wedding party is the size of a football player who can act as a bouncer. Seriously guys, you all got our Save the Date, you can add it to your calendar already, and start looking at your travel options. There is NO excuse to not drop that little card in the mail--heck, you don't even have to pay for the stamp! Put your tax money to work and give the Postal workers in your area something to do.

No, invitations have NOT been sent out yet--don't expect them for a while yet.

We Inturrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Programming

One of the wedding-related blogs I regularly read is A Practical Wedding, who's tag-line is "Weddings. Minus the insanity, plus the marriage." You can see why I like this site (not to mention it promotes the idea that a wedding should be made up of "wants" instead of "shoulds."

Today was a guest post by a photographer in Atlanta. I typically don't read the guest-posts by sponsors because, honestly, they are typically just big (although not overtly) advertisements for the vendor making the post. This one was different though, I could tell right away when Meg's intro comment mentioned the AWP Yay New York event. The post itself opened with a quote from Teddy Roosevelt, "This country will not be a good place for any of us to live in unless we make it a good place for all of us to live in." 

As I continued to read, I was reminded just how LUCKY Ellie and I are that we live in MA, work in industries that are mostly accepting and supportive of our sexual orientation (you always have a few bad apples), and have friends and family that are also accepting and supportive. Most of the country is not afforded the same rights--there are no laws protecting them from being fired for being LGBT, or to punish people who harass them. I can't do this post justice, and can only HIGHLY recommend you see it for yourself. I feel so strongly that everyone should read this post, I'm going to tease you with the 1st paragraph:

On Sunday morning, I had the incredible pleasure of meeting LGBT Subject 1 and LGBT Subject 2 at an undisclosed location to make their engagement photos. We had an incredible time, but I can’t tell you about it. I took amazing photos in an exciting environment with people who were deeply in love and fun and spontaneous, but I can’t show them to you. If I did, they could lose their jobs.

Live from Bedford: Jessi & Ellie Unplugged?

On the 241 South Studios Facebook page, Jeremy posted a link to an article on Offbeat Bride about having an "Unplugged Wedding."

So there you are at the altar, gazing into the eyes of your beloved, saying your vows. You turn to sneak a glance at your wedding guests, all your favorite beloved friends and family... and are greeted by a sea of down-turned faces staring at their LCD screens.

Yup, I'm as guilty as the next person of paying more attention to my camera and getting the "perfect shot." But really, is that picture, that I'm only going to look at once or twice for the rest of my life, really worth missing some of the experience? Heck, at the last wedding we went to, I was behind the camera during most of the ceremony trying to get the perfect shot--and it DIDN'T HAPPEN! What did happen was I missed some of the pastor's speech and some of the vows. Maybe that's why I've never been much of a photographer; I've always been too busy to remember to take the camera out (I've gotten better as I've gotten older, but there are no pictures from when I was in high school or college). And when I helped Jeremy with the GSEM Gold & Graduating event, we were talking about all the parents that didn't care about free professional pictures, they were all crowding around taking crappy cell phone pictures, not even paying attention to their daughters' achievements. It was also difficult for him to take pictures without a parent's head or camera in the way--if you read that article, you'll see that many photographers feel this way.

I am seriously thinking about having an unplugged ceremony (don't worry folks, your cameras would be welcome at the reception!). I might even talk to Erica about getting prints of the ceremony for us give with our thank you cards or something to people have something and won't feel quite as bad about not being able to take their own.

I don't know...I'm more just as connected as anyone, but I think this would be a really meaningful thing to do, for both us AND our guests. Hopefully Ellie feels the same way.

The Case for Cake

Yes, I just posted, but the topic of cake was brought up on the Offbeat Bride forums, and my comment was too good to not expand upon.To put this in context, the original poster hates the idea of a white vanilla cake with white frosting or fondant, and found a recipe for a brown sugar, pecan and peaches cake that speaks not only to her childhood, but also the theme of the wedding. Everyone is encouraging her to go for it, this is what I had to say:

"People will PREFER a flavored cake. In fact, out of the 6 weddings I've been to, it's ALWAYS the flavored cakes that get gobbled up. Many of the cakes I've seen have been made of different flavored tiers, and the "good" flavor option always gets picked first, with the plain-ole vanilla sitting, alone and dejected until the unfortunate people at the end of the cake line have no choice but to take those slices, only to pick at it enough to make it look as though it was eaten."

Ellie can vouch for this, I feel VERY strongly about cake, and was adamant that we get a venue that would allow us to bring our own (we are fortunate that the Doubletree Bedford Glen works with Montillios, a nationally renowned baker) because honestly, most wedding cakes are crap--dry, tasteless, uninventive. This is through no fault of the couple, they are working within a budget, cakes are often made ahead, and I find that most bakes are more interested in the outside than the inside. I personally don't care much about the outside as long as it doesn't look like a 3-year old chimp did it--I want it to TASTE good! And I insist on it being unique, something like marble with italian ricotta mouse, or devil's food with tiramisu (or both!!). I am might be looking forward to the cake sampling more than any part of the wedding planning! Do you want a hand in our cake selection? Check out the Montillios options and leave a comment with your combination thoughts!

Speaking of Registries

A Practical Wedding, one of the blogs I read, had a post today about a Wall Street Journal article on wedding registries. Because wedding (and baby, or new home, etc) registries are something I have a serious love-hate relationship with, I read it, and found that I'm not really crazy in my views on the registry phenomenon:

Target's most popular bath-towel color is "bison brown." Macy's top towel picks are vanilla, white, linen and chocolate. Couples move more often and "want something they can take with them to their next place and not be committed to a bold color statement," Ms. Bertelsen says. 

Couples in most urban areas typically live in smaller homes compared with the past, and they lack space to store gadgets or items they will use only occasionally.

Both of these quotes are something I've said, as is another point made within the article: couples are living together for one or more years before getting married--they already HAVE everything they need for the home. Gone are the day when a girl doesn't leave home until she returns from her honeymoon, thus requiring a shit-ton of home-starter items, or to make her life as "the proper little housewife and mother" easier. Sure, I want a set of flatware that is equal to the number of place settings we have that actually matches. We have an 8-person plate setting though--do we really need another one right away? I would love to do the same with glasses as well: we have a ton of glasses, but they are in sets of 6, 4 and random pint glasses.

I have bought from a number of registries, and am sometimes astonished by the items--are you REALLY going to use 5 different sizes of measuring cups? Napkin rings? oh come on...you eat take-out 6 days a week, and when you DO cook, your 'fine china' is the disposable plates that can be washed. But we are all adding them to our registries because we succumb to the Wedding Industrial Complex and see what the stores and WIC-supportive sites like The Knot TELL us we should be registering for (napkin rings, and 20-person place settings of the most expensive, ugly china known to man even though we have 6 people at most over at any given time, and 4 different types/sizes of wine glass, when really, the only size that matters is BIG) and can't help ourselves. Not to mention all our loved ones expecting certain things when one says s/he is getting married. But remember, every "tradition" was once new.

How Getting Engaged Almost Broke Us Up

We've relayed this story a couple of time, but the other day on the Offbeat Bride Forum, I gave a brief recap of how Ellie and I almost broke up just before she proposed, and I asked if I could put the story up for all to see and laugh at. Being the wonderful fiancée that she is, she said yes.

In the months leading up to the proposal, things got...antsy...in the Jelli (my shorthand for Jessi and Ellie) household. I was all stressed out with finishing my semester, then planning for my Study Abroad trip and Ellie was pulling extra shifts as her part-time job. She was irritable, and I was totally convinced I'd done something gravely wrong, so my anxiety went up even more than it already was. I started walking on eggshells. Then, money started becoming tighter than normal. Granted, her part-time job was forgetting to pay her, and once or twice her mileage pay didn't come through on time, but it was still...suspicious for lack of a better word.

Now, this may come as a surprise to many of you, but we are FAR from rich. Hell, with me being in school, we're literally living paycheck to paycheck many weeks. When money becomes tighter, the stress goes up even more, especially for me. Yet, I was already walking on eggshells, convinced I was doing SOMETHING wrong, so asking what was happening to all her money was the last thing I wanted to do. I did bring it up a few times; maybe she had some unexpected expense she forgot to mention, or was sending more money to a creditor each month. There was nothing I didn't already know, and the numbers just didn't add up, even for mathematically-challenged me. This went on for months, and I was kind of looking forward to England because I thought it might be good for us to be out of each others' hair for a couple weeks.

We all know the outcome of this story: just before I left for England, we took a trip to Castle in the Clouds and Ellie proposed. It didn't take long for me to make the connection that THIS was why money had been tight lately and she had been so irritable. Needless to say, I was relieved, but it still amazes me that we were on the road to ruin all because Ellie wanted to propose to me.

Details and DIY

Something I recently thought about is that fact that I CAN'T post many of the details, or any of the DIY here because I want it to be a surprise.In light of that, I have taken down the "Details and DIY" page (it's been replaced by an FAQ!!)

Luckily, I'm a member of a few wedding sites where I can discuss those type of things and receive feedback without sharing it with everyone and ruining the surprise. Maybe, after the wedding, I'll upload all of that information for posterity and the sake of keeping it all in one place.