Stories Have Meaning

Yesterday and today are important days in the fight for equal marriage rights for same-sex couples. The HRC has encouraged people to wear red in support of Marriage Equality (please don't call it gay or same-sex marriage, you don't say straight marriage), which has prompted most of my Facebook friends to change their profile pics to a red version of the HRC Equality symbol.

I didn't. I did change my pic to one of Ellie and I at our wedding though, because that was more important to me--putting real faces on this situation, reminding people that, should we ever move to one of the 40 states that don't recognize our marriage, we're as good as strangers to each other. It's not that I don't appreciate the love, support and sentiment expressed by my family and friends--things like this really do go a long way toward promoting acceptance and understanding by a larger audience. But a symbol is often just that (think about all the times women post their bra or purse color in "support" of breast cancer awareness--that goes nowhere to help further the research toward a cure). I don't think this is the same, but I'm still undecided about how I feel about all this.

I do know how I feel about the image I posted above. This morning on my commute, I checked Facebook and saw this image on the personal account of Erica Ewing Photography (yes, I'm cool enough for my photographer to friend me on Facebook!). For some reason, THIS made me tear up. I found Erica by accident at a wedding expo and instantly connected to her. It helped that she recognized Jeremy from a blog post he'd done previously. Her answer to "Have you done a same-sex wedding before?" also helped. Erica smiled & said "I haven't had the opportunity to, but I hope I can" or something like that. So many of the other photographers were disingenuous: smiling too wide & avoiding eye contact because they didn't want to be rude, but clearly NOT comfortable with the idea (you're being obvious, so I won't even think to hire you, don't worry about it); or making up excuses about why they don't have experience with same-sex weddings (I don't actually expect most mainstream photographers to have experience, I really just want to know how to feel about it).

Erica is a professional photographer, and she made money off of us (that's why one goes into business for oneself--to make money), but she CARES--the gifts and time and repeated comments about how much she enjoyed our wedding have gone a long way to make me realize that we ARE just like everyone else.

I lucky to know part of Erica's reason for changing her profile picture, but I don't know the story behind most people's change--these stories are what will change the minds of the undecideds, the ones who don't think they know anyone affected by Marriage Equality, who don't think they know an LGBT person. Don't just change your profile picture, tell the world WHY you're changing it.

The (Unabridged) Ceremony

Several people have asked for one or more parts of the wedding ceremony, and I like to please my friends and loved ones, so here is the ceremony in it's entirety; enjoy!

Welcome

Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court--2003 
"Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support.

Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family. Because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition. It is undoubtedly for these concrete reasons, as well as for its intimately personal significance, that civil marriage has long been termed a ‘civil right.’ Without the right to choose to marry one is excluded from the full range of human experience."

Apache Wedding Blessing 
(this is not authentic, it was created for a book and movie, but we love the sentiment)

Now you will feel no storms,
for each of you will be shelter to the other.
Now you will feel no cold,
for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there is no loneliness,
for each of you is companion to the other.
You are two persons,
but there is one life before you, and one home.
Turn together to look at the road you traveled,
to reach this---the hour of your happiness.
It stretches behind you into the past.
Look to the future that lies ahead.
A long and winding, adventure-filled road,
whose every turn means discovery,
new hopes, new joys, new laughter,
and a few shared tears.
May happiness be your companion,
May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead;
And through all the years to come.
Go this day to your dwelling place
and enter into your days together.
May your days be good and long upon the earth.

Plato’s Symposium
Humans have never understood the power of Love, for if they had they would surely have built noble temples and altars and offered solemn sacrifices; but this is not done, and most certainly ought to be done, since Love is our best friend, our helper, and the healer of the ills which prevent us from being happy.

To understand the power of Love, we must understand that our original human nature was not like it is now, but different. Human beings each had two sets of arms, two sets of legs, and two faces looking in opposite directions. There were three genders then: one comprised of two men called the children of the Sun, one made of two women called the children of the Earth, and a third made of a man and a woman, called the children of the Moon. Due to the power and might of these original humans, the Gods began to fear that their reign might be threatened. They sought for a way to end the humans’ insolence without destroying them.

It was at this point that Zeus divided the humans in half. After the division, the two parts of each desiring their other half came together, and throwing their arms about one another, entwined in mutual embraces, longing to grow into one. So ancient is the desire of one another which is implanted in us, reuniting our original nature, making one of two, and healing the state of humankind.

Each of us when separated, having one side only, is but the indenture of a person, and we are always looking for our other half. Those whose original nature lies with the children of the Sun are men who are drawn to other men, those from the children of the Earth are women who love other women, and those from the children of the Moon are men and women drawn to one another. And when one of us meets our other half, we are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and would not be out of the other’s sight even for a moment. We pass our whole lives together, desiring that we should be melted into one, to spend our lives as one person instead of two, and so that after our death there will be one departed soul instead of two; this is the very expression of our ancient need. And the reason is that human nature was originally one and we were a whole, and the desire and pursuit of the whole is called Love.

Hearth Lighting
In ancient Greece, the hearth was the center of the home. To symbolize this in the modern home, Jessi and Ellie have had an oil lamp created. 

Carrie & Karina carried lanterns in place of the torches traditionally carried by the bride and groom’s mothers. I would like to ask them to light the oil lamp from their candles to represent Jessi and Ellie’s lives joining together into a single home.

Vows
Ellie 
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride
I love you in this way because I don’t know any other way of loving than this

So, Share each day with me, each night, each morning
Love me, that’s all I ask of you

We have each other for the ups and downs
And for the days of doubt
And when we have lost our way
There are no words left to say.

I’ll be there and I’ll cover you

It may be quite simple, but now that it’s done
I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words
How Wonderful life is while you’re in the world.

Jessi
I sometimes have a feeling with regard to you--especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your frame.

I have for the first time found what I can truly love – I have found you. You are my sympathy – my better self — my good angel — I am bound to you with a strong attachment. I think you good, gifted, lovely: a fervent, a solemn passion is conceived in my heart; it leans to you, draws you to my center and spring of life, wraps my existence about you—and, kindling in pure, powerful flame, fuses you and me in one.
Jane Eyre—Charlotte Bronte

Ring Exchange
I take you to be part of my superhero league to fight crime,
One schizophrenic and college student at a time.
Together we’re stronger than either one alone.
Our powers combined will never allow
Harmful villains into our home.
Let this ring serve as a reminder of our vow.

Celtic Wedding Blessing 
May you both be blessed with the strength of heaven,
The light of the sun and the radiance of the moon
The splendor of fire, the speed of lightning,
The swiftness of wind, the depth of the sea,
The stability of Earth and the firmness of rock.

Showered With Love--Part II, The Party

Or, "I Don't Deserve My Friends"

The excited Wedding Party,
plus Sister Heidi who helped plan the Shower,
minus Man of Honor Jeremy who had a prior commitment

Get up to speed with Part I...

Traffic was bad, so only about half the attendees were there for the surprise, but people kept arriving. It was amazing how many people showed up: the Wirzburger clan (including the Honorary Wirzburgers) from up and down the mid-Atlantic made the trek up, despite needing to do it again in a few weeks; a bunch of my friends from back home, even the Vermonter, who had to get back to her new home and visiting step-daughter, did the 8-hour round trip! I know that our family and friends love us, but seeing it expressed in this way is hard to take in--I'm not the most accepting of love and support, so it's kind of overwhelming.

Opening the gifts from the Wishing Well

The whole day had a "backyard cook-out" vibe to it--there were no silly games (although now I can see why games are played at these events, I just have a hard time believing there are non-stupid ones out there), everyone was laid back without a lot of the pretense that comes with these things (being in shorts helps!), and it was just what I wanted if I had to have one. The worst part of the whole day? Not being the Hostess--when one is the hostess, she has an excuse to run around and chat with the various groups and generally act a little ADHD. One may find it odd with my social anxiety, but I'd rather HOST a party than be the guest of honor because it lets me take the focus off of myself & place it on my guests. Being Guest of Honor means socializing with everyone without making anyone feel left out--THAT is where my discomfort lies; I always feel like I'm short-changing someone and I hate that. I really do wish I'd been able to spend more time with everyone--I barely spoke with the ladies who were more Ellie's friends than mine, and feel like I short-changed many of my own friends

Enough about my personal insecurities! The girls made an amazing spread, and I can't thank the Fernandes Farm crew enough for all their contributions to food prep, cake/cupcake baking and material loans. Ellie and I haven't had to cook all week thanks to them. Everything about it was so great, from the baseball ticket invitations to the awesome can koozie favors, to the red & white paper lanterns; it was simple yet very well-executed. The coolest part? BASEBALLS instead of a guestbook! I can't wait to get a couple of little display stands for them!

It still amazes me how many people showed up, from so many places, and how generous they all were. The day was a whirl, so I'm looking forward to sitting down and really getting to read the cards and examine the gifts, and write out the Thank Yous. I only hope I can do justice to all the love and kindness everyone showed.

Showered With Love--Part I, The Reveal

Or, "How Ellie Lied to Jessi and Completely Tricked Her"

Can you see the incredulous look on my face?
Yeah, I just figured out  the party was for ME

I knew that Ladies of Honor Carrie & Karina, together with Sister in Law Heidi, were throwing a Shower--this fact had been confirmed time and again despite my protests to everyone that I didn't really want one, nor should they put so much work and effort into something that wasn't very important in the grand scheme of things.

They threw one anyway.

I actually enjoyed it. Other than that whole "opening presents in front of other people" thing. I still feel that is a load of crap and no one actually wants to see the lovely bride open card after card and gift after gift. I have proof this is true!

But onto the day itself. Ellie took the day off, claiming to need a "mental health day" that Mental Health Workers get so few of, and suggested we go somewhere new for a walk; a co-worker had suggested someplace in Weymouth, which turned out to be Webb Memorial State Park. The first thing I do at a place like this is read the bulletin board, which usually has a map and historical information. As we walked toward the park, I noticed a large pavilion with paper lanterns and a bunch of people. Commenting with a cheery "Oh wow, this actually would be a great place to have a party," I blindly kept to the task at hand--taking that walk we had planned before the day got any later, and thus, hotter.

See, Ellie had been dawdling all morning on Saturday. I'm not much of one for getting right out of bed or anything, but I'm also VERY much not one for spending copious amounts of time outside in the heat, which is what we'd have been doing at 12:30. Yet we stopped for breakfast (which was nice--we usually eat our bagels in the car), then putzed around the pet store and Goodwill. it was all I could do to get her moving!

So we're at the park and Ellie starts pulling me away from the board even though she KNOWS I like to read them. I realize she's steering us near the pavilion. I understand her desire to check it out, but there's a party happening, we can't just go spectate on a party! She turns with a doofy smile on her face and says, "Yes, this is a REALLY good place to have a party..."

She can tell you the truth, but I think it took a few more steps and recognizing someone (I can't remember who, it was more noticing familiarity than a genuine recognition) near the pavilion before everything clicked and I realized this was the shower. All of a sudden my eyes began to actually SEE people and come to terms with what was happening, it was all very surreal for a while as I'm trying to act with grace, joy and not let my anxiety completely take over.

Part two is HERE...

Don't Ask Too Much

Source

I was just unintentionally given the best marriage advice. I don't often check G+, but I did today and an acquaintance shared a link with the comment "A great perspective on marriage and how to make it great." So of course I read it.

The entire article can be summed up by this line, "So many marriages fail these days because [we] ask too much of it" (bracket addition mine because I think it was a typo). I've always sought personal validation in my relationships: if I wasn't loved by someone else, I was not lovable; I have to cater to ever interest and whim of my partner or (s)he will stop loving me; I need to hide my personality because I'm not a good person/am weird/am stupid or my partner will realize I am not the right person. Ellie has helped change a lot of that thinking--it's not great (almost 30 years of that kind of thinking cannot be reversed in 4 years). Yes, I have always asked too much of myself, but I also asked too much of my partners.

Ellie and I aren't trying to turn each other into doppelgangers of ourselves. We enjoy each others' company and have many of the same interests, but neither of us feels compelled to enjoy everything about or with the other. I will not eat olives, no matter how many she brings into the house; nor do I have much interest in football--Sundays in the Fall/Winter are a good time to catch up on silly Facebook games or read a book. Ellie doesn't understand why my peanut butter needs to have nuts in it, and I'm fairly confident in saying she doesn't QUITE understand my obsession with finding the perfect pantry organization system (not to mention the perfect organization system for most of the house...). That's okay though, we let the other have at it and humor/participate/keep our mouths shut as appropriate.

We also do this amazing thing called spending quality time with other people! Sometimes I'll take the hour+ ride out to see MOH Jere to watch crappy reality TV. Sometimes she'll make dinner plans with grad school BFF A. It's about taking time to be us as Individual rather than only ever living as us as Couple. I feel that not enough people do that, which is probably one of the biggest lead-ins for relationships not working; if you can't be you sometimes, like if you never occasionally indulge in a sweet, you will eventually snap and EAT. ALL. THE. CAKE!!!!! or find that you've "grown apart" from your partner. I'm not saying this is the only reason for growing apart, or the other horrors that can occur, but I wonder how many people reading this right now aren't getting enough time to just be them (Ellie and I included, because we are far from perfect)?

Why the picture of a tube of toothpaste? From the words of Mr G,

There are two types of people: those who squeeze their toothpaste from the middle, and those who steadfastly believe that you should squeeze it from the end.

I say that each person should get their own tube.