"Being Gay is Expensive"

I am totally ripping off the title of the post that inspired me to write. Because it's true, and very few people, even within the LGBT community, know just how expensive it is. I'll admit that, while I knew it was more costly to be a married same-sex couple than a married hetero couple, I never really broke it down.

Us at her brother's wedding; personal photo

Christina laid it out in ways that I can only steal because I'm not married yet, and because, honestly, a lot of this stuff either goes over my head or puts me into a coma. There are 1,138 rights, protections and benefits that couples get when their marriage is recognized by the federal government. Some don't really affect us, like immigration issues. Some are a bit complicated however: if for some reason I had to go onto Ellie's medical plan, we would be lucky enough to pay the same rate as a hetero married couple because MA recognizes our marriage. When April 15 comes rolling around though, Ellie would have to pay federal taxes on the "extra income" she is receiving from her company for covering her "unmarried partner." Being the former HR person that I am, I'll try to explain it for you other non-math people (hypothetical numbers here):

Ellie's job pays $100/month towards the cost of a family plan. If she was on a single plan, they would only be paying $25/month. The "extra" $75/month her company is "giving" to her is taxable because it's not actually covering her married dependent, so the feds tax it.

Shitty, huh?  So, I'm on Ellie's insurance, but we're on vacation in Florida and I get attacked by a shark. Even if we've paid a lawyer thousands of dollars (to get it done right) to create, notarize and file paperwork allowing her to visit me & make decisions on my behalf, that hospital can deny her access and allow me to die alone.

If she ever convinces me that having a child is a good idea, we get into an even bigger set of drama--only one of us is biologically the mother. Sure, I can be added to the birth certificate since we are lucky enough to live in MA, but here comes that pesky DOMA conundrum again--other states don't have to recognize it! This means yet MORE money, time and hassle going through second-parent adoption, iron-clad wills. Christina said is very succinctly: It’s hard not to resent that a guy just has to have an orgasm to get full parental rights, and we get the legal and financial runaround." This is all on top of the cost to actually conceive the baby--no, Ellie's not going to "do it the traditional way"--even if she did, it would cost money to   work up the contracts with the bio-father, and we would always have a risk of him wanting the child, and getting it because we're gay.

About the only good thing DOMA is doing for us? My federal school loan payments are income-based, and since the feds won't consider us married, only my measly income is counted in the calculation of how much I have to pay. If we were married, both of our measly incomes would be counted, resulting in much higher payments.

I still think I'd take marriage equality.

Home, or a UPS Warehouse?

Most of our "wedding supplies"

Go ahead, I dare you to click this image and see it full-size. Those of you who've been to our place know this shot--it's the sideboard in the dining room, which stands at my waist, around 2-1/2 feet high. right there, you can see the following: programs, centerpieces, part of our accessories, the card holder, our toasting glasses, and I'm sure some other odds & ends. And this isn't even everything we've bought! Our cake topper isn't boxed, so that wasn't included, nor did I include the box that's holding some of our supplies--paints, brushes, glues, etc. My dress is also not included because A) it's with the seamstress, & B) Ellie can't see it. OH! I forgot to include a few other details we've already bought, again because they aren't boxed & I don't want to spoil everything.

We have yet to buy favors, escort cards, Best People gifts, gifts for each other (well, I haven't bought Ellie's gift, I don't know if she's bought mine...I doubt it), my jewelry isn't done yet, and I'm sure there are other packages that will be arriving over the next seven months that I haven't even thought of!

When all this started, I don't think I realized just how much STUFF we'd be accumulating. It's not just the money either...it's mostly the stuff, and how it's taking over our home and life. We definitely have to go through it all and pack away what we won't be using until that day, get the DIY's done so we can also pack those away. At the same time though, it's comforting because now, after a year and a half of mostly talking, we're finally DOING something for the wedding. I never saw the point in making a lot of the purchases until we were closer because we have storage space, but not a LOT. I also had a fear of things getting damaged (because obviously we'd have a tornado, or a flood or something simply because the wedding supplies were bought too soon). Yes, my apartment is covered in boxes, which is a huge stress trigger to me. But those boxes represent something very special, something so much bigger than my anxiety and compulsions.

"Good LORD That's a Lot of Money!"

Infographic of wedding costs from
Something Borrowed {Portland}

Yeah, that's about right. Oh, and look at that map just below the middle of the graphic--Boston is listed as one of "The Most Expensive Places to Get Hitched" at $35,483 (before the honeymoon). I don't think we'll go that high, but when EVERYTHING is added up: venue/food, gifts, attire, decor, DIY projects, etc, I wouldn't be surprised if it gets damn close. Appalling, isn't it?

I think that's the real reason Ellie and I aren't technically doing a budget. We know how much we're paying for things, and could add it all up if we needed to, but I read over and over again on forums and blogs how couples have to jump through hoops to stay within their budget, or feel crazy guilt about going over. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to set a budget (which honestly, we blew out of the water once we chose a venue), but Ellie was slightly adverse to the idea, preferring to have a general idea of what we could spend, but not setting anything in stone. I'm still very nervous about the cost of things to be honest, but we're cutting back in some places and going all out in the areas it's important (like programs!!).

It's another reason I'm glad we've had so long to do this--we've been able to do research, get the best price, and pay for things over time. We already have some of the supplies we'll need, and have plans to buy things over the next 8 months rather than dropping a ton of money in August.

Glowworms: Not Just for Kids Anymore

The Sands Turks & Caicos.
Image from http://www.thesandstc.com

A week ago, we went to AAA to look into 2 things: booking the trip to Turks & Caicos and the registry options they offer. They aren't as fancy as some of the sites I looked into, but they offer 2 things that I haven't been able to find yet: there are NO service charges, and gifts are taken off the cost of the trip This means we don't have to pay out of pocket up front and eventually get reimbursed from the gifts we receive; we pay the remaining balance. We REALLY can't complain about that, can we (unless no one gives us gifts towards the trip that is...you wouldn't do that, right?).

We are spending the 1st two weeks of October at The Sands on Providenciales. After looking at their website, I'm pretty excited! We have a studio with a microwave & refrigerator, which means we can keep some snacks and drinks in the room, thus saving a bit of time & money. They have an excursion desk on site so we don't have to do ten tons of legwork if we chose to do any last-minute excursions (the Glowworm Orgy Cruise and horseback riding trips will be pre-booked), we're on what is pretty much the major island of the chain, and have a bunch of other amenities that makes this the right choice for us.

We're too independent to really want an all-inclusive resort; we seriously considered one to make things easier, but decided pretty early on that we wanted more options. We want this to be the trip of a lifetime, and really be able to take in the islands. It's the main reason we are so focused on the honeymoon registry; every gift we receive towards the hotel/flight allows us to save that much more to put toward exploring the history and culture of the islands. I'm super excited about this! It's the last big thing that needed to be taken care of, and is going to be a very well-deserved rest after all the hustle and bustle of planning this wedding.

Infographics are Cool

In light of my previous post, and because I find the WIC fascinating, I'm re-posting this infografic from Mint.com:

Provided by Mint.com <--click to see the full-size version

It's amazing what bridesmaids (not groomsmen mind you, only the women) are supposed to spend for the "priviledge" of being in someone's wedding!!!!! An ex of mine was in a wedding while we were together and it almost ruined her 10-year friendship with the Maid of Honor because no one took into consideration (like the infographic advises) the fact that she made significantly less money than the rest of them, and ignored her pleas to save money on things like the shower and gifts. A current friend is being told that the bachelorette party has to be a weekend cottage in VT, which is going to run upwards of $400/person. WHAT?!?!?! REALLY?!?!?!

I'm so happy that Ellie and I are on a similar page when it comes to the financial burden we're placing on our People of Honor. For me, it's because I'm cheap and can't spend that kind of money, no matter HOW much I love the person, and am putting that onto my friends. For Ellie, I think it's a combination of my reason and because she's been in more than her fair share of weddings, so is personally aware of the potentially daunting cost. Friends, family, don't go into debt because you love the couple. Make it work for your situation and SHOW UP!! That's where the real gift is.