Don't Ask Too Much

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I was just unintentionally given the best marriage advice. I don't often check G+, but I did today and an acquaintance shared a link with the comment "A great perspective on marriage and how to make it great." So of course I read it.

The entire article can be summed up by this line, "So many marriages fail these days because [we] ask too much of it" (bracket addition mine because I think it was a typo). I've always sought personal validation in my relationships: if I wasn't loved by someone else, I was not lovable; I have to cater to ever interest and whim of my partner or (s)he will stop loving me; I need to hide my personality because I'm not a good person/am weird/am stupid or my partner will realize I am not the right person. Ellie has helped change a lot of that thinking--it's not great (almost 30 years of that kind of thinking cannot be reversed in 4 years). Yes, I have always asked too much of myself, but I also asked too much of my partners.

Ellie and I aren't trying to turn each other into doppelgangers of ourselves. We enjoy each others' company and have many of the same interests, but neither of us feels compelled to enjoy everything about or with the other. I will not eat olives, no matter how many she brings into the house; nor do I have much interest in football--Sundays in the Fall/Winter are a good time to catch up on silly Facebook games or read a book. Ellie doesn't understand why my peanut butter needs to have nuts in it, and I'm fairly confident in saying she doesn't QUITE understand my obsession with finding the perfect pantry organization system (not to mention the perfect organization system for most of the house...). That's okay though, we let the other have at it and humor/participate/keep our mouths shut as appropriate.

We also do this amazing thing called spending quality time with other people! Sometimes I'll take the hour+ ride out to see MOH Jere to watch crappy reality TV. Sometimes she'll make dinner plans with grad school BFF A. It's about taking time to be us as Individual rather than only ever living as us as Couple. I feel that not enough people do that, which is probably one of the biggest lead-ins for relationships not working; if you can't be you sometimes, like if you never occasionally indulge in a sweet, you will eventually snap and EAT. ALL. THE. CAKE!!!!! or find that you've "grown apart" from your partner. I'm not saying this is the only reason for growing apart, or the other horrors that can occur, but I wonder how many people reading this right now aren't getting enough time to just be them (Ellie and I included, because we are far from perfect)?

Why the picture of a tube of toothpaste? From the words of Mr G,

There are two types of people: those who squeeze their toothpaste from the middle, and those who steadfastly believe that you should squeeze it from the end.

I say that each person should get their own tube.

Weddings Make You Sneaky

I've already told the story of how Ellie & I were on rocky footing just before she proposed. Now it's time to admit to my own sneaky-ness.

Everyone knows I gave Ellie an exact replica of my ring, with the stones reversed. When I first contacted Sharon, the woman at Jared who specializes in custom work, she asked if I was able to get hold of the schematics the jewelers had created. Her desire for this was two-fold: having the original schematic would almost guarantee there would be no differences between the two rings--if the jewelers had to draw up new ones, there might be differences; and it would mean getting ring a whole heck of a lot faster because we could skip a whole part of the design process, getting right to the wax mold. Having just gone through the process with our wedding bands, the schematics take about 6 weeks, THEN the wax is poured, which is another couple weeks, THEN the rings can be cast, which are another month or so. Well folks, I wanted that ring NOW; it had already been more than a year since Ellie had proposed and I couldn't wait that long--we'd be married by then :P

So I did the sneakiest thing I had ever done--I broke into Ellie's email for the 2nd time (I had done it a few months before to plan her 30th birthday party) and hunted down the schematics. To ensure I wasn't caught, I downloaded the images, signed into my email and sent them to Sharon through there instead of emailing them to myself or Sharon just in case Ellie went to look at them. Yes, I was that paranoid.

Even the day I picked up the ring was sneaky and I was almost caught. I was working in Boston, so totally unable to head to Plymouth after work. Sharon doesn't work on Saturdays, and Ellie is around on most weekends anyway. There was a Girl Scout event in Stoughton one Sunday--not terribly close to Plymouth, but close enough that I had the great idea to "swing" down after the event. And Ellie was working that weekend, which gave me extra time. Alas, the ride took longer than I expected, and the person who helped me (Sharon had just left for the day because she has a rock-star schedule) insisted on cleaning my ring, then taking pictures of the two together, and showing them both off to all the other staff, etc etc. I would up getting home 20 minutes AFTER Ellie, when I was due home before she even left work for the day (she didn't seem to believe my story of chatting with other volunteers after the event).

Not quite as dramatic as when Ellie bought my ring, but still pretty bad; she still gives me shit for hacking her email.

Of Dinosaurs and Petting Zoos

Is it a good thing or a bad thing that I have no other category for this post than "Humor?" How are Dinosaurs and Petting Zoos related to the wedding? Well, they aren't really--and I have no idea where I'm going with this, but my loved ones asked, so here goes (remind me to never ask questions on Facebook again).

Something that has struck me as I read my favorite wedding blogs (particularly Offbeat Bride and Weddingbee) is just how creative some couples are in choosing their venue. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVELOVELOVE The Doubletree, and it has unique elements that make it perfectly suited for our wants and need, but no one will ever say it's creative. And some of the venue ideas that other brides are talking about are completely ridiculous (like having a "Camping Weekend" wedding  at the wrong time of year AND in fancy clothes) or just aren't suited to us and our needs (like a family member's backyard garden).

This whole thing started when I asked on Facebook what people wanted me to write about because I was bored at work. The conversation QUICKLY descended into anarchy and here we are. When I started this post almost an hour ago, I started by searching "dinosaur petting zoo" on Google--go ahead and click the link, I'll wait (I can't find any non-copyright images). I replied to a comment with "Who DOESN'T like dinosaurs? I wonder if i can get back my venue deposit & move the entire wedding to the Museum of Science?"

Now, for science geeks (which many of our friends and family are), and those with lots of money, the MOS or New England Aquarium would be super cool places to have a wedding!! But Boston is EXPENSIVE (venues, guest accommodations and getting around for out-of-towners), hard to navigate, and couldn't give us the outdoor experience we both so very much wanted.

Then there were the more natural venue ideas, like Nashoba Valley Winery. These types of places, while gorgeous, have limitations--most only have tents or pavilions for seating, which can be problematic in inclement weather--and we're in New England, the chances for inclement weather are pretty good--or they couldn't fit our guest list, or the legwork we'd have to do to get rentals and catering and everything was way more work than either of us wanted to do. There are some zoos in the Metro Boston area, but I never even researched them because I didn't think of them as viable options, but I imagine they would have many of the same limitations as other outdoor venues, with the added stink factor (I don't mind it, but my guests might while they're eating fancy food while wearing fancy clothes). Plus, the best zoo in MA is really too far away from major highways to be convenient--and they don't do weddings anyway (I just looked!).

The third grouping of "unique" venues are museums outside of Boston, estates, things like that. They however have many of the same difficulties with price, workload and location that the others did. Then we thought about a requirement that none of these places had--accommodations for our guests, 70% of whom are coming from out of state. That's a huge number of people that need rooms. The only sensible option for us was a hotel, so that's what we looked at, keeping in mind all of the things we wanted: an outdoor area for the ceremony & guest enjoyment; a dinner/dancing space that had a comfortable feeling, not too big, small or boring; the hotel itself had to look nice but not unfeeling or cold; and a price that was fairly reasonable for us and our guests.

So that's how a request to talk about dinosaurs and petting zoos became a discussion on how Ellie and I came to decide on a hotel as our venue. We've already talked about why we chose Doubletree, but feel free to read it again, especially those of you who are new around here.

"Be Special in a Good Way"

Someone posted this to one of the forums I read and I HAD to re-post it for all of you. Those Kiwi's are funny folk, that's for sure (link to original article).

So you’ve been invited to a wedding. How lovely! Weddings are beautiful celebrations of the deep, eternal love between two people who have dedicated their lives to each other.

They are also expensive, time-consuming, and absolute etiquette minefields. This article is a brief overview of how not to be a terrible wedding guest.

Sadly, a wedding is not your special day. (Your birthday is your special day.)  A wedding is the couple’s special day, so go along with whatever they ask. Within reason.  

Step One: The Invitation Arrives

After months of arguments over colour scheme (“It is acceptable to match the ink colour of your invitations with the primary colour theme of your wedding”) and font choice, the couple have sent the invitations and yours has arrived!

What do you do with it?

• Reply before the RSVP date. If you don’t RSVP but turn up anyway, no-one will talk to you and you won’t be allowed any food. If you can’t go, you still need to RSVP so the couple can invite someone better instead.
• If the invitation doesn’t include your partner or children, don’t take your partner or children. It seems straightforward, but apparently people mess this up all the time. (The couple get to choose who goes to their wedding… when you get married, you can choose who goes to yours.)
• Don’t be offended if your partner isn’t invited – the couple aren’t intending to shun your new boyfriend, they’re just trying to keep costs to a minimum. Inviting your boyfriend means inviting all the boyfriends.  At $100 a head. 
• Don’t be offended if your children aren’t invited – it’s probably not your specific children that the couple are trying to avoid. It’s more likely that a) the couple want people to feel comfortable drinking; b) the bride is secretly pregnant and worried a crying baby could make her lactate in her gown; or c) the couple plan to sneak off and consummate the marriage in the ornamental gardens, and don’t want to be interrupted by a group of jungle explorers.
• Unless you’re seriously, deathly allergic to something, don’t include your special dietary requirements in the reply (unless there’s a space for you to do so).  There will be a vegetarian option, and if you’re worried about ingredients or preparation check with the caterers on the day. They will understand that cheese makes you a bit gassy. No-one else cares for your ‘mild lactose intolerance’.
• Don’t get offended if you aren’t Important In The Wedding!  The bridal party selection is a diplomatic minefield. Sometimes close friends have to be passed over so that older friends and easily-offended relatives don’t throw a massive wedding tantrum. And that’s okay, because it means when they’re farting about with the photos you can already be at the bar.
• If you have questions about the wedding, don’t ask the bride or groom – they have enough to do without being constantly badgered by guests who want to know if the Number 19 bus stops outside the church. Ask around amongst other guests, or ask the bridal party or the family of the couple.

Step Two: Selecting a Present

• For the love of God, if there is a gift registry, use it. If the couple wanted a wide selection of thoughtfully selected toasters and wine glasses, they wouldn’t have done a registry – and unless you’re a very close friend of the couple, they’re unlikely to appreciate your hand-carved penguin fertility totem. I know a registry feels dumb and impersonal but you can get around that by finding something on the list that has a personal connection:  “I selected the fruit platter because of that hilarious time we had once with a fruit platter.”
• If the couple have a cash option, just give whatever you feel comfortable giving. If you really can’t afford to give anything the couple will understand, but you do still need to give a card.    
• If the gift is a card, cash or voucher, take it to the wedding. Bigger gifts (kitchenware, washing machines) are better posted. If you take a gift, don’t thrust it hurriedly at the couple as they make their way down the aisle – ask someone (not the bride or groom) where to put it. There will be a table set aside specifically for this purpose. 
• Put a card with your gift so the couple know who it’s from. (If you want to get a thank-you note.)

Step Three: Getting Dressed

• “I get dressed every day,” you are thinking, “I’m going to skip this section.” No! Don’t!  Or you will forever be remembered as that person who wore denim on denim.
• The dress code is usually stated on the invite (if it isn’t, ask other guests or dress on the formal side). Once you’ve found out what the dress code is, Google it and wear something within the guidelines.
• Wear something comfortable. Wedding videos are better when you can’t see someone in the fourth row squirming in their seat throughout because their pants are riding up their butt.  
• Keep it classy (ladies). If you’d wear it to a club, don’t wear it to a wedding.
• White dresses are unacceptable, black is frowned upon at more traditional weddings, and camo is right out. (Extra information for people considering camo: comb your mullet! Don’t bring beer.)

Step Four: The Actual Wedding Bit

• Don’t be late! If you are late, don’t scoot up the aisle behind the bride muttering, “Sorry, sorry, sorry,” like someone trying to go to the bathroom at the movies. Wait at the back until an usher makes a “Sit down, you tosser” gesture.
• Don’t take photos during the ceremony – partially because it’s distracting, but also because you’re there to share in the ceremony, not play paparazzi. Photos after the ceremony and during the reception are generally fine (unless the invitation says no cameras)… but don’t put any on Facebook until the couple have approved them. 
• Turn off your phone and children. If your children come back on during the ceremony, take them outside.
• It’s traditional not to swear in a church. It’s also traditional not to text, tweet or harvest your FarmVille crops. 
• The ceremony may not be very interesting. Sit quietly and pay attention; think of it as an endurance test (the food and beer at the reception is the reward). Don’t whisper to other guests, don’t giggle at the couple’s self-written vows, don’t wolf-whistle when the bride arrives, don’t make lewd gestures at the bridesmaids.
• If the ceremony is more religious than you are, you don’t have to join in; watch the rest of the audience for cues on when to sit and stand, and be quiet during the religious bits.
• If confetti gets thrown at the couple when they leave the church, don’t throw it in the bride’s eyes.

Step Five: The Reception

• Sit where you’re put. Even if you’re stuck on a singles table full of divorced hairdressers you have to stay there because the couple have spent approximately the length of their engagement working out the seating plan, and if you randomly move then along comes Uncle Maurice and all of a sudden there’s a wedding punch-up.
• If there’s a buffet don’t charge in, grab all the smoked salmon, and then retire smugly to your seat. No-one likes a buffet hog.
• Don’t give a speech unless you’ve been specifically asked to give a speech, no matter how good your speech is. Same goes for toasts. 
• Don’t get significantly drunker than the bridal party. 
• If you’re lucky enough to have slept with the bride or the groom, don’t share this with everyone else at your table. Or anyone.   
• Don’t make song requests! The couple has paid for your food and beer, the least you can do is refrain from inserting ‘Mustang Sally’ into the happiest day of their lives.
• Don’t hog the couple – they are like the smoked salmon, everyone wants to spend some quality time with them.

One of the 10,000 wedding sites I visited while researching this article says, “Only special people are invited to be wedding guests”.  

Be special in a good way.

Read more: http://www.3news.co.nz/Surviving-wedding-season---an-etiquette-guide-for-guests/tabid/420/articleID/241359/Default.aspx#ixzz1l4AIqHhK

S*!t Brides Say

We've all been/known a bride, so you need to watch this, as it's full of hilarity and truth. I'm not ashamed to admit that I've totally said some of this--especially "pin it, pin it, pin it..." I'm not exactly a fan of The Knot (although I am a member), but this is something they have definitely done right. I'd love to see this become a mini-series or something: break down some of these stereotypes into their own videos or something.